EVER WISH THAT LIFE WAS LIKE A FILM?

FACT OF THE WEEK: The popular phrases “It’s just like anything else” and “Its all relative” are really codewords for ‘I have no idea what I’m talking about and would love to bail out of this conversation but I feel I’m committed now’

HAIKU REVIEW: This week, ‘Be Kind Rewind’

Jack Black wipes tapes

Mos Def? Too few syllables

Very, very good

MAIN EVENT:

About a year ago in yet another example of me ‘living the dream’ in London I was working as a barman in a semi-fancy Balham bar. One night an ex-girlfriend who I, to say the least, had not left things well with walked in with her new boyfriend. Suffice to say the experience was awkward for all concerned.

Don’t worry I haven’t turned into Lucy Mangan you can keep reading. I’m telling you about this simply to illustrate a point. Okay here comes the point then, are you ready? When the young lady walked in the door the mortifying experience was made eminently more bearable by the fact that it gave me an excuse to use the quote “Of all the gin joints in all the world…” from Casablanca, in a real life situation!

Using film quotes in everyday contexts is a lifelong hobby of mine, one that I seriously suggest you all try. It’s ridiculously fun, much more fun than it should be, the other day I was in Soho and my friend wanted to try to find a fish and chip shop, which finally gave me an excuse to use the line “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.” I was so excited, I felt like jumping up and down and guffawing like a toddler at a magic show. When you finally pull one off you’ve been waiting for forever it’s great feeling.

So now you get the idea. However, before you go out into the wide world of real life film quoting let me be clear, there are some ground rules. Well only one actually, but it’s a biggy. The quote has to be in context. Any old twat-bag can shoehorn in a quote where it doesn’t belong but this violates the spirit of the game and makes you look like a nob. Ones I hear all the time include “We can’t stop here, this is bat country” (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) when you’re in a slightly dodgy bit of town and “We’re not in Kansas any more Toto” (Wizard of Oz) when you’re lost. Just shut up! You’re not funny, you’re lazy charlatans who probably haven’t even seen the films you’re quoting. I bet you’ve just seen David Walliams talk about them on some hundred greatest bollocks and think you’ll look like some kind of cool postmodern cultural commentator if you shoot your mouth of about them in public. You won’t, you’ll look like a dick… And take off those big red charity shop sunglasses you’re nearly thirty.

You see the experience is so much more fun if you wait until for instance you’re actually travelling out of Kansas with a guy named Toto. Admittedly it probably will never happen, but that just it makes it so much better if it somehow does. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get to actually have to say “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle” (Terminator) to someone.

Quotes obviously vary in difficulty ranging from easy one’s like “Show me the money” (Jerry Maguire) which I actually used this morning when invoicing someone; to difficult (but achievable) ones like “I love the smell of Napalm in the Morning” (Apocalypse Now); to the absolutely bloody impossible ones like “These are not the droids you’re looking for” or actually anything from Star Wars.

By this point in the proceedings you’re probably thinking I’m a massive nerd who as finally toppled off the edge of reality and you’d probably be right though I know that quite a few of you are simultaneously trying to think up quotes you could use yourself. If you are, then let me help you out. Consider the below a starter pack.

“Show me the money.” (Jerry Maguire) Easiest one in the world, use it at work today.

“You shall not pass!” (The Fellowship of the Ring) Good one for teachers in inner-city schools.

“It’s okay, we can walk to the curb from here.” (Annie Hall) Excellent quip when dealing with a bad parker.

“I see dead people.” (The Sixth Sense) One for your next open coffin funeral.

“Get away from her you bitch” (One of the Alien films) For when you accidentally take your girlfriend to a lesbian bar.

“How do you like them apples?” (Good Will Hunting) Worth a trip to Sainsburys on its own.

“I wish I knew how to quit you.” (Broke Back Mountain) For when you’re not used to using a Mac and you get stuck in Photoshop.

GOD BLESS AMERICA…. SERIOUSLY!!!

HAIKU REVIEW: This week, a brief ceremonial Japanese review of by far the best movie of the year so far. Juno.

Young Girl Gets Pregnant

Hilarity Then Ensues

Killer Soundtrack Man

MAIN EVENT

There are a number of things that Americans don’t understand, Irony, tact, sports they didn’t invent, the difference between Scottish and Irish accents to name but a few. However, one thing they certainly do understand is how to write and film stuff so that it becomes awesome then put it on the telly. Yes that’s right, American TV is better than any other TV anywhere else in the world. Especially Italian TV, their shows are surreal and a little sinister.

Yankee telly is absolutely better than ours. Don’t even try to deny it. British TV is only good at creating groundbreaking nature docs which everyone intends to watch but never manages to and achingly self-important costume dramas like Bleak House (yes, well done BBC, with one of the greatest books the world has ever seen as your source material you produced four hours of semi-engaging TV, have a big shiny Bafta).

American telly isn’t all gold. The reality TV is pretty shoddy - though certainly no worse than ours - and the news is highly suspect: ‘Killer bees on the rampage in Iowa; what that means for your weekend after the break.’ However, Where the Americans really excel is the drama they produce. It’s not exactly a fair fight to be honest, ‘The Sopranos’ probably spent ‘Life on Mars’s’ entire operating budget just feeding James Gandolfini, likewise, the special effects department on ‘Battlestar Galactica’ wouldn’t deem ‘Doctor Who’s’ CGI as fit even for the screensaver on their office computers. Also, when the Americans decide to make a series, they make-a-fucking-series (unless they cancel it mid run), they go for at least 18 hour long episodes, none of this two feature length specials crap.

We simply don’t take the whole thing as seriously as they do. For example, I have probably as good a Film and TV writing degree as it’s possible to get in Europe. A fact I felt pretty good about until I met someone who went to UCLA film school, I left that conversation firmly put in my place, it was like we were talking about different things. The best thing to do is just accept that ‘The Bill’ is never going to compete with ‘NYPD Blue,’ ‘Spooks’ is never going to outgun ‘24’ and, in general, aside from the odd exception like ‘Prime Suspect’, ‘Cracker’ or ‘The Lakes’ British Drama is never going to measure up. Just sit back and enjoy.

To be continued…

WANT TO GET AHEAD IN BUSINESS? THEN GET YOURSELF SOME SURREAL METAPHORS!!

WATCH THIS: If a girl broke up with you like this you’d probably just have to say fair enough and shake her hand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KUowJzpgxs&feature=related

HAIKU REVIEW

This week, African circus show ‘Africa Africa.’

Death defying stunts,

White people pay, black people dance,

It’s not racist though

MAIN EVENT

“Brian. It’s mission critical that you scan the Ts and Cs ASAP and put the FD in the ball-park visa-vis the deliverables so we can manage expectations going forward.”

If you understood anything beyond Brian in the above sentence then the chances are that you are a fantastically important person who is totally au-fait with the timesaving executive language known as management speak. If not you are a failure and will never amount to anything.

Roughly translated the sentence means “Brian, read the contract quickly and explain it to John so that we don’t promise something we can’t deliver.” A lot simpler I hear you cry. Well you would think that, because you’re only a lowly desk jockey and don’t understand the executive mindset… You twat!

You see, a funny thing happens to the human brain once a person is promoted past team-leader rank. That person begins to view their job as only slightly less important than God’s and therefore develops a complex speech-system of metaphors and acronyms that makes every task the company performs seem more complicated than the building of the Sphinx. The person becomes obsessed with getting ducks in rows and looking at things from 1000 feet and curiously always wants to be placed in a baseball stadium.

The plus side of all of this is that it makes everything, even actually important matters on which thousands of jobs hang, sound really cool. If you close your eyes you can imagine that your four hour crisis meeting is actually a very long epic poem.

There is literally no sentence that doesn’t sound much better in management speak. Here are some supposedly ‘good’ bits of prose for examples.

Dr Martin Luther King Jr – ‘I Have a Dream.’

Colleagues and clients. I have an action plan. That my four children will one day enjoy a scenario where they will not be assessed on their offline characteristics, but on their skillsets and key competencies.

Much better than this shit…

Ladies and gentlemen I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

Dylan Thomas – Do Not go Gentle into hat Good Night

Bottom line thinkers at their maximum project bandwidth know strategic R&R is win-win idea though a lack of mission-critical best-practice means they are typically resistant to outside the box methodologies.

Much more straight forward than this rubbish…

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

John Lennon – Imagine

Colleagues may interface visa-vis my blue sky thinking mindset though I am part of a strategic alliance. I hope you’ll come on board going forward and we can sing from the same hymn sheet.

Is far better than this load of cockwash…

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one