Oh, I See... The truth Behind the IOC

Is it just me, or does the Beijing Olympic stadium look a bit like a... Like a...... Nevermind, forget I said anything.

Quote of The Week

Alan Brazil: I like Cambridge City, not as much as Colchester but they're my second team.
Paul Hawksby: Ever been punting on your trips to Cambridge?
Alan Brazil: What do you mean? Cambridge Dogs?

MAIN EVENT

Do you fancy throwing me a party? You know, a great big shindig in my honour, with my name plastered over everything...

Yeah? Great!

Couple of minor details, the party needs to be two whole weeks long. You’ll also need to buy in a whole load of expensive equipment and build loads of stuff that you’ll never use again - a permanent bouncy castle bunker, underground Mexican takeaway, stuff like that. Naturally this will be entirely at your own expense. There’ll be photographers and journalists everywhere so you’ll need to make sure the place is spotless and that any embarrassing friends and relatives are out of sight. Oh, and another thing, I’ve got loads of mates coming over to sell stuff in your back garden, that’s cool right? I wouldn’t ask, only they’ve already given me a load of money. I’d cut you in but, y’know I don’t want to.

Actually, come to think of it I’ve got a few other people interested in throwing this massive party for me so you’re going to need to kiss my arse and buy me presents for a year or two before I decide to let you hold it.

What’s that? What do you get in return? Well, you get the right to say you’re having my party. Isn’t that enough?

Still interested? If so, great! Don’t read any more of this and give me a call...

For anyone who isn’t completely daft, congratulations, you’re less gullible than all the governments of the developed world. The above is exactly the deal that the International Olympic Committee gives host nations like Beijing and London. You know the estimated £9.4 billion pounds of tax payer’s money that’s going to be spent on the 2012 games? Well, not one penny of that will be made back by the event itself.

Not that a lot of money isn’t going to be floating around the games. Olympic sponsorship is one of the most expensive endorsements you can buy (despite the fact that many, many more people watch the World Cup*). It’s impossible to quantify exactly, though it’s fair to say Olympic sponsorship costs more than it delivers in terms of increased sales, it’s just an exercise in corporate cock-measuring** a way of saying, we are the biggest company who do whatever we do.

Never ones to miss an opportunity to exploit someone, the IOC then makes the sponsors run the bloody games for them – that’s right they don’t do that either. Tag Heuer will handle the timekeeping, Lenovo will run the computer system and supply all hardware, McDonalds will be expected to flood the olympic village with their ‘restaurants’*** etc. After all that, the companies don’t even get to put their logos anywhere near the only thing that anybody is watching, the events - that would pollute the Olympic brand!

Right, so the host cities don’t see a penny of the sponsorship money however, they do get**** a load of sports facilities. Although if history’s anything to go by they won’t be used an awful lot. I’ve been to the Barcelona Olympic village twice now - it’s a very beautiful ghost town, Athens’s facilities lie unused and largely unfinished. Sydney still use theirs but let’s be fair, we’re talking about a nation so sport obsessed that 11 people randomly picked from in and around Darling Harbour could probably beat England at Cricket. London is not Sydney - somehow I don’t see East London having a tremendous amount of use for a vellodrome, do you?

What about the hundreds of people on the ground who work to make the Olympics happen, the stewards, the drivers etc? Surely they’re IOC employees. Well, no those people are - I shit you, not – volunteers. Yep that’s right, tragic individuals who have drunk IOC coolade.

So, all in all the IOC do nothing except pick a city and cash a cheque. They even have the nerve to call themselves “A catalyst for collaboration” and a “Service to humanity.”

This is a nice idea but it doesn’t really bear scrutiny. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that humanity was not especially well served by undermining decades of work to force the Chinese government to be less shitty to its people by giving it a great big international pat on the head. Oh yeah and then there’s the whole thing about letting a Nazi dictatorship host one in 1936 but we’re not supposed to mention that.

In any other situation the Olympics would be called what they are, a scam... Though to be fair it is a brilliant one, probably the greatest ever. IOC, I salute you

*300 million tuned in last December to watch the draw for the 2006 World Cup! That’s 300 million watching a fat man pulling balls out of a pot!

**The Olympic Games is one of those things that would cease to exist if there were a decent number of female CEOs. Just like team-building trips, or high class whores.

***Something the marathon runners are absolutely thrilled by!

****By get I of course mean pay for and build themselves.

RICHARD DAWKINS CAN FUCK OFF!

When it comes to religion I’m really not sure what I believe and to be honest I don’t give it a tremendous amount of thought. My view is that I’ll find out eventually so why stress about it now. If there is a God then I’m not a massive bastard really, I should be able to talk my way into heaven or at least a non-smoking table in hell. If there isn’t and it turns out we really are just a giant evolutionary mishap then it won’t matter – I’ll be dead.

The truth is that no one can prove anything either way which is why it continually baffles me that people - often very intelligent people - seem to feel the need to discuss the question at length. These conversations are the definition of pointless and are basically just the intellectual equivalent of those debates about meaningless triviality you have when you’re stoned. Y’know the ones where one guy will swear blind that Marilyn Manson was in ‘The Wonder Years’ or that Dogs can’t look up and another guy will strenuously disagree. Neither side has any means of proving their point but both believe themselves to be 100% right and a very boring discussion ensues.

This is the way a conversation about religion between a religious person and an atheist should go...

“I believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and that God is looking out for us all”

“That’s nice, I don’t though”

“Fair enough, would you like some pie?”

Of course that almost never happens, (especially the bit about the pie) what usually happens is that the atheist starts talking loudly about fossils and evolution whilst everyone else edges away slowly.

Some atheists aren’t satisfied by simply having this argument and feel the need to actually dedicate their lives to it by writing books and appearing on TV. One such twat, sorry academic, is Richard Dawkins*, a scientist and author who has a chair** at Oxford University. He’s done other stuff in the past but at the moment his whole thing seems to be going round the world and explaining to religious people that they’ve wasted their lives.

That’s fine I guess, the question is why? He’s an atheist why does he care? It’s got nothing to do with him. It’s like straight men being interested in lesbian sex. Sorry bad example, er okay, lets say it’s like a man being interested in sanitary towels.

It certainly can’t be to help them – “Gee thanks Richard – I used to believe that there was a plan to the universe, I helped people less fortunate than myself and I had no fear of death. Good job you stopped all that.”

One reason he cites is that wars have been fought over religion, therefore it is bad. Yes Richard, wars have been fought over religion, millions of people have died in its name but do you really think that there would have been no war without it? I think we’d probably just have had wars for different reasons don’t you? Sadly people just fight with each other sometimes, people’s interests are at odds sometimes, sometimes people look across borders and think ‘Y’know what? I’d quite like all that land for myself.’ More often than not religion’s just an excuse.

‘Religion gets in the way of scientific progress!’ is another justification for this campaign of one-upmanship. Yeah you’re right it probably does, but actually scientists don’t get to determine the course of humanity on their own. I know you want to play with all the exciting new science right away but everyone’s got to live together on this planet and it’s quite reasonable that the ethics of, and popular support for things like human cloning are interrogated properly, by everyone. Me you and a billion other people may think that stem-cell research is brilliant but some people don’t and they get to be heard too before we go ahead and start messing around, so be patient***. Splitting the atom seemed like a great idea too remember? Because of that we almost blew the planet up in the 60’s. Let’s just behave like mature adults rather than kids the week before Christmas okay?

But what about intolerance? Religions promote intolerance right? Okay, a very small minority use religion as an excuse to be homophobic, racist etc. But again, there are just small minded people in the world who are going to see somebody doing something different and get all angry. People hear what they want to - if someone’s chosen to fixate on the obscure parts of the bible or the qur’an that deride homosexuality then, let’s be honest, they’re most probably quite the homophobe anyway. It’s not as if there aren’t racist/sexist/homophobic academics now is it?

What he of course downplays on his TV show and in his book is the positives that come from religion, the charitable giving and actions, the great works of art and architecture (not so much music). Michelangelo had such a hard-on for God that he created arguably the greatest work of art in history. I’m pretty sure people will still be going to see the Sistine Chapel when every copy of ‘The God Delusion’ has been rightly pulped - are we really more of an advanced society without God?

Even if we assume that what he says is all true (quite the assumption) he is still basically just being a mean spirited little gob-shite - like the guys who delight in ruining the twists in films by telling you right at the start: “By the way, there’s no heaven and Bruce Willis is a ghost.”

So, in conclusion; are those guys at the Christian rock concert waving their hands in the air a little weird? Yes. Deluded? Maybe, but you definitely can’t call them miserable. They’ve figured out a way to exist in this bizarre world that works for them and they’re not hurting anyone, so leave them alone you sanctimonious prick!

*If for nothing else he’s a cock for this tag-line on his website, ‘Richard Dawkins.Net: A Clear Thinking Oasis.’ What-a-bell-end!

**Most people send their children but whatever works mate

***I have become my Mother

Local Elections Live: Part 2/2

12.30 - 13.30

I'm making serious headway with the first bottle of wine so expect some splling mastikes soon....

12.30: For the first time ever Labour have lost control of Bedworth. It's gone blue! The BNP gained two seats as well... So obviously an educated ward!

Tessa Jowell is completely freaking out! By the end of the night I expect her to be cowering in the corner of the set, babbling incoherantly and wearing a tin-foil hat.

Seriously though, that's pretty bad. This is going to be a long night for Labour.

12.45: Jeremy Vine is dressed up as a cowboy and doing a southern accent while he talks about projected Lib Dem percentages. Am I awake?

12.45: Tories take control of Southampton according to Tony King it's "Sensational!"

12.50: Tories about to take Colchester after promising everyone a free convertible white Ford Escort (Probably).

Pretty much all anyone is saying tonight is Conservative gain, Conservative gain, Conservative gain! Tessa Jowell looks as if she's about to cry, every cloud eh?

13.05: Tories have more councils under their control now than Labour did at their peak in the 90s... Bottle of wine 2 now I think.

13.10: Boris Johnson's Dad is on TV now. He reminds me of uncle Monty from 'Withnail and I'. 'I mean to have you boy!'

13.25: Jeremy Vine is the King of the laboured analogy, this time something about Gordon Brown and Mr. Bean.

Right it's 1.30 and I'm tired and drunk. I'm going to knock this on the head and just declare the Labour Party totally fucked.

Boris Johnson is seeming a lot less humourous now...

Local Elections Live: Part 1/2

11.30 – 12.30

Hello and welcome to the NORLJ coverage of the local elections. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t particularly up for this half an hour ago but I just heard Richard Littlejohn Refer to ‘So called climate change’ on Newsnight and it worked like Popeye with Spinach! I’m angry enough to write now.

I've got one bottle of alright wine and one bottle of awful wine and I'm powered by righteous indignation.

Suffice to say... It’s on!

11.45: Tessa Jowell (tonight looking like Skeletor's Mum) is trying not to sound worried and getting beaten up by David Dimbleby.

Charles Kennedy tonight is played tonight by Bert from Sesame street.

This is the segment of the evening where nobody knows anything and nothing's happened so everything anyone's saying is essentially meaningless. They might as well talk about The Apprentice.

11.50: Off to Bury to talk about Black Puddings and how nobody gives a shit about the war anymore. Which war? Then to Wales, where things are progressing slowly... Big fucking surprise!

Emily Maitliss in City Hall in London (where is that?) is talking to some bloggers in the same way you might talk to an eight year old before a nativity play. They've got a great big shiny set with a bar in it!

12.00: Lab -1 LD -3 Con +4 Oth 0

12.00 - 12.15: Massive technical failure with my fucking Dell! (always save, kids).

The Lib Dems have taken control of Hull City Council, Labour retain Knowlesley (wherever that is). Bunch of other results that I can't be arsed to type.

12.25: 52% of people think Gordon Brown is a liability.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION

Fuckhead Revisited:

The future Prime Minister, the future London Mayor and the rest of the Bullingdon Boys photographed shortly before going off to get smashed and destroy some poor sod's restaurant. Hoorah!

(Boris Johnson: bottom right, David Cameron: top row, second from left)

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION

Dear Electoral Commission,

How are you? I’m fine. My name is Matthew Thomas and I’d like to suggest some changes to the voting system ahead of the London mayoral elections tomorrow. I know it’s late notice but if you hear me out I think you’ll see the logic.

They say your politics become more moderate as you get older. It’s true, when I was 16 I believed socialism was the only ethical way to run a society and that everybody on the right of the political spectrum was a selfish, myopic twat. Now that I have had time to mature and learn about the world, I believe socialism is the only ethical way to run a society and that everybody on the right of the political spectrum is a selfish, myopic twat, with excellent taste in wine, some interesting things to say about cricket and the ability to get Wimbledon tickets without queuing.

You could say that maturity has given me a more rounded opinion of conservatives as people and softened my, admittedly extreme, views about what to do with them in the event of a revolution*. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I like many of them – and not just because they’re my bosses. Whilst I still find them cold-hearted and illogical, I’ve even come to understand their views a little better, particularly in the run-up to Thursday’s mayoral election.

Let me explain. It’s fair to assume that this is now a two horse race between Ken Livingstone and a real-life P.G Wodehouse character called Boris Johnson. They enjoy pretty much equal support with Boris ahead in the richer suburbs and Ken Livingstone ahead amongst the working classes in the inner-cities.

For a while I was completely baffled by how Boris, a man who has made a career out of being an incompetent boob; who edited a magazine that nobody reads and still managed to cause a national scandal; who once described black people as ‘flag-waving piccaninnies’ with ‘watermelon smiles’; whose whole persona is based on being, y’know NOT VERY GOOD AT THINGS, could actually be in with a shout of running Europe’s biggest city. Then it hit me, I realised why. The wealthy people voting for Boris simply aren’t qualified to make a decision of this magnitude.

I know, I know, that’s pretty insulting but hear me out. The residents of Richmond, Belgravia, Putney are very confused. It’s our fault really, when you’re struggling to pay £500+ per week in rent on a pitifully low salary and spending half your life wedged against Perspex panel 100 metres below ground it’s easy to forget that when you mention job-seekers allowance to these people they think of gardening leave and a 6-figure golden handshake.

We really should have explained better, after all they have little or no experience of the NHS, state education, unemployment, council housing or benefits. They’re not in debt, they haven’t paid rent in a long time, the air quality where they live is fine, they won’t need a state pension, crime for them is someone taking their seat in All Bar One and if they use the tube it tends to be beautifully run lines like the jubilee and they certainly don’t take the bus.**

So you see, they’re not qualified to speak on pretty much all of the issues.

Oh, sorry I forgot there is tax and nonsense like the congestion and emissions charges. These they’re intimately acquainted with, seeing as they’re the ones with the money*** and the ones who can afford to drive in London. This obviously isn’t enough to chat about for an entire dinner party so new and exciting issues have to be invented also – cue immigration panic, family values panic, gay marriage panic etc****.

Conservatives rail against the notion that they’re self interested and out of touch, but when your entire rationale for making a decision is based what’s best financially for you and your already privileged family, your right to drive a ridiculous car + some invented fluff, I really don’t see what else to call it.

That’s why I’m proposing that we reclassify Chelsea, Richmond, Kingston, Wimbledon, Belgravia, Balham and Clapham as rotten boroughs. Maybe then we’ll get to have a proper debate.

Thoughts?

Your’s Faithfully,

Matt.

*Let’s just say it involved a game reserve on the Isle of Wight and genetically modified giant Foxes riding wolves – you can guess the rest.

**Admittedly not all of these issues fall within the remit of the London Mayor but national issues have always been factors in people’s choices in local elections. In other news, cats dislike dogs and there’s no such thing as the Loch Ness Monster.

***Which of course they hauled themselves up by their bootstraps to get with absolutely no help from their, upbringing, accidents of birth or the rest of society.

****Strangely global warming panic hasn’t quite taken hold yet.

Schadenfreude: German Word, British Institution

Have you ever noticed how when a couple starts having an argument in public everyone else gets much quieter? It’s as if there’s only so much noise in the world and these two are hogging it. What it really is of course is people keeping their own conversations to a minimal volume so that they can hear the particulars of the argument, without appearing overly interested. If society allowed us to get away with it we’d pull up a chair and gawp like our lives depended on it - unpalatable as it may be to admit, there’s nothing British people like more than someone else’s domestic.*

Most people generally try to keep public fallings out to a minimum, preferring to wait until they’re in the privacy of their own home where they know which doors make the most satisfying slam and they won’t be called upon to make the shrugged shoulders “I dunno mate” gesture to a complete stranger when their girl/boyfriend flounces off on some trumped up pretext. However, every now and then somebody looks at somebody they shouldn’t, or leaves somebody somewhere to go and talk bollocks with their idiot friends, or doesn’t take someone’s side even though their clearly wrong and it all kicks off. That’s the cue for the rest of us to subtly turn off our MP3 players and switch from reading magazines to pretending to read magazines.

If you can overhear the conversation but can’t be heard yourself that’s perfect – it gives you occasion to trot out all kinds of hackneyed bon mots. In fact, it’s actually the law in England that if a group of more than three people witness one of these arguments, at least one person has to say “trouble in paradise” whilst looking smug. If a woman’s present she - under penalty of prosecution - is required to say “He won’t be getting any tonight**,” whilst nodding suggestively.

It’s marginally less fun if you know the people - the argument’s still entertaining but you’re expected to participate in the clean-up operation. If you’re a woman this involves listening to your friend cry and blather on about how in love they are and how much of a ‘passionate relationship’ it is whilst you fight the urge to inform her that she’s dating a nutter and is behaving like one herself. If you’re a man it involves going for a beer and talking about sports to ‘cool off’ – being a man is so great!

Well that’s about all I have to say about the entertainment factor of other people’s emotional turmoil. If this has put you in the mood for witnessing a live barney then may I recommend the bus stops at Trafalgar square around 3 in the morning – there’s something about the thought of a 90 minute bus ride to Croydon or Kingston that just brings it out of people.

* Unless we’re asked to weigh in and give our opinion, then it’s all “I don’t want to get involved mate. None of my business.”

**Women as a gender have failed to realise that the average man spent the better part of his teens trying and failing to get women to have sex with him. Therefore many of them somehow think that withholding sex is a viable way to punish us. This is like giving an Abu Ghraib survivor a Chinese burn – ladies, unless you’re really willing to keep it up for 16 years, we can take it.

Return of the Time Thief

Fact of a Week: No matter how secure you feel in your relationship, buying an 18-pack of condoms is tempting fate. He/she will break up with you the next day and those things will stare at you from the sock drawer for the next six months.

Go See This: www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXyK0ean-D4&NR=1 I love James Corden.

MAIN EVENT

When you die I reckon God/Allah/Buddha/L. Ron Hubbard takes you aside and presents you with a long list of stats about your life. These stats would include things like number of days bunked off work, number of miles cycled along the pavement and the all important wank/shag ratio. He/she/they will then analyse these stats, much like Alan Hansen on Match of the Day (hmm, maybe he’s God)*, and decide how worthwhile a life you’ve led. This will then translate into how nice a flat you get in heaven – whether you get to live in a cool converted factory or above a chicken take-away 2 miles from a tube.

If this is indeed how it works then my most shameful stat is most likely to be number of hours spent watching Channel 4’s ‘Shipwrecked’. I don’t like it. In fact, I hate it. I have however still managed to spend an estimated three days of my life staring at the bloody thing like a confused marmot. There are two reasons for this: firstly, on Sunday mornings I tend to be in a vulnerable state where complex thought is impossible and an hour and a half of pretty people in a pretty environment seems appealing; Secondly, at least once an episode, Shipwrecked can be relied upon to make me so angry that I throw something at the TV – I find this perversely enjoyable.

For those unfamiliar with the format, Shipwrecked is a programme where two groups of people with ‘sexy-messy’ hair, from Godalming and the surrounding areas are marooned on two separate islands. They then proceed to wander around talking about how spiritual they feel and what a great experience they’re having, despite the fact that they’re doing literally nothing. There’s kind of a competition element tacked on but no one really pays attention.

The islanders are there for three months which, as the voice-over keeps telling you, places a huge emotional strain on them as they have only each other for company. Well actually, each other, a sound recordist, a producer, a production secretary, a couple of runners, a stylist and at least 3 cameramen all working in shifts with other production teams of equal size.

Despite this Satre’esque isolation the islands’ inhabitants rarely even argue and if they ever have sex with each other (which they surely must sometimes) the viewer never gets to hear about it. In fact, it’s bloody difficult to distinguish one episode, or even one series, from another. I’ve been watching the thing fairly regularly for its entire six series run and I can’t remember a single memorable moment or one cast member’s name - that is how unremarkable the show is. It’s basically exactly what you’d see if you put a camera in the common room of a posh sixth form college.

This year promises more of the same, though the producers have at least tried to keep a 50:50 toffs /proles split. All are ridiculously good looking except for one overweight girl. however, to her credit, after 2 days on the island she says ‘fuck this’ and speedboats out of there, pausing momentarily to pick a live fish from the water and swallow it whole**. There’s also a model who was tragically born with a speech impediment that forces him to shoehorn the words ‘sweet’ and ‘Yeah?’ into every sentence and a mouthy brunette who I’m hoping will get buried neck deep in sand with honey spread on her face (to attract ants) by episode three.

The first episode’s bile inducing money-shot comes courtesy of mouthy brunette who, upon learning that they have to nominate two people to leave the island, goes into a ‘Sophie’s Choice’ style fit of hysterics, successfully making the moment all about her – I think she’s a drama student. When they finally choose the smiley blonde from Cheshire as one of the ones who has to go, mouthy brunette goes into overdrive, hugging smiley blonde and screaming ‘I can’t do this without you’ through her sobs. Pretty impressive emotion for someone you’ve known for five days lady. She’s clearly one of those people who describe themselves as ‘big-hearted’ on application forms because they can’t spell clinically insane.

* Over the course of writing this I’ve decided that Alan Hanson is in fact God. Join me in worshipping him, the first sermon will be about the lack of clarity in the offside rule. Meet me in the car park of the Woking Morrison’s 10 am this Sunday.

** This last bit may have only happened in my mind.