WATCH THIS: If a girl broke up with you like this you’d probably just have to say fair enough and shake her hand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KUowJzpgxs&feature=related
HAIKU REVIEW
This week, African circus show ‘Africa Africa.’
Death defying stunts,
White people pay, black people dance,
It’s not racist though
MAIN EVENT
“Brian. It’s mission critical that you scan the Ts and Cs ASAP and put the FD in the ball-park visa-vis the deliverables so we can manage expectations going forward.”
If you understood anything beyond Brian in the above sentence then the chances are that you are a fantastically important person who is totally au-fait with the timesaving executive language known as management speak. If not you are a failure and will never amount to anything.
Roughly translated the sentence means “Brian, read the contract quickly and explain it to John so that we don’t promise something we can’t deliver.” A lot simpler I hear you cry. Well you would think that, because you’re only a lowly desk jockey and don’t understand the executive mindset… You twat!
You see, a funny thing happens to the human brain once a person is promoted past team-leader rank. That person begins to view their job as only slightly less important than God’s and therefore develops a complex speech-system of metaphors and acronyms that makes every task the company performs seem more complicated than the building of the Sphinx. The person becomes obsessed with getting ducks in rows and looking at things from 1000 feet and curiously always wants to be placed in a baseball stadium.
The plus side of all of this is that it makes everything, even actually important matters on which thousands of jobs hang, sound really cool. If you close your eyes you can imagine that your four hour crisis meeting is actually a very long epic poem.
There is literally no sentence that doesn’t sound much better in management speak. Here are some supposedly ‘good’ bits of prose for examples.
Dr Martin Luther King Jr – ‘I Have a Dream.’
Colleagues and clients. I have an action plan. That my four children will one day enjoy a scenario where they will not be assessed on their offline characteristics, but on their skillsets and key competencies.
Much better than this shit…
Ladies and gentlemen I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
Dylan Thomas – Do Not go Gentle into hat Good Night
Bottom line thinkers at their maximum project bandwidth know strategic R&R is win-win idea though a lack of mission-critical best-practice means they are typically resistant to outside the box methodologies.
Much more straight forward than this rubbish…
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
John Lennon – Imagine
Colleagues may interface visa-vis my blue sky thinking mindset though I am part of a strategic alliance. I hope you’ll come on board going forward and we can sing from the same hymn sheet.
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
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