Eeeeeeeew!!!(What makes it worse is there's no real reason for this picture to be here)
Yes, yes, I know it’s been a while, I know you’re angry. However, I also know that, much like a recalcitrant father, you’ll forgive me, even whilst secretly knowing I’ll let you down again.
Consider this week’s blog my attempt to overcompensate with extravagant gifts.
The Private Diary of Richard Madely
To be published posthumously with foreword by Richard Bacon.
The 8th of September 2008, Anno Dominus
This morning I awoke in a cold sweat. I dreamed that my worst fears had been realised, that I, Richard Madely, had died before the world had time to fully appreciate my genius. I thought of my place in history. How will future generations remember me? For my age defying looks? My glittering journalistic career? For giving people an excuse to drink in the afternoon?
It simply isn’t enough, I thought. My time is fleeting and there are still so many problems left unsolved in the world. I mused throughout the night and finally fell into a fitful sleep.
I must redouble my efforts. I will book Ricky Gervais for next week’s Friday show.
Tune in next week for another dramatic instalment.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my giddy incontinent Aunt it’s only the fucking exclusive of the year right here on No One Really Likes Jazz.
I’ve managed to get hold of a list of new programmes to be broadcast this winter on the BBC!
Please remember. This list is entirely genuine! Any attempt to imply otherwise will be taken as a slight against my good name and I will, of course, demand satisfaction. In the ensuing duel you shall surely perish! So think on!
Internal Memo outlining the new Programmes to be broadcast this year on the BBC (published unabridged and unedited)
Holby Pink
An entirely necessary extension to the much loved series of Casualty spin offs. Holby Pink takes us into the fascinating world of Holby City’s Gynaecological ward. Passions run high as yeast infections are diagnosed, smear tests are performed and a generation of up and coming British actresses make the quintessential ‘before they were famous’ faux pas by getting their muff out on tea time television.
Episode one. ‘Wizard’s Sleeve Crisis,’ 58 mins, BBC2: Dishy Dr Haversham scrutinises the wiffle of guest star Angelica Houston, Kelly battles her addiction to bread and comic foil medical student, Dean gets caught in the stirrups.
Celebrity Ombudsman
Ever wondered what happens when c-list celebrities attempt to settle high-level financial disputes? Well, you’re about to find out either way.
Marvel as Peaches Geldof liquidates a corporate pension fund and Richard Blackwood bankrupts Marks and Spencers.
I’d Do Anyone
Glossy pre-recorded Saturday Night Fayre where 10 wannabe escorts and 10 gigolos compete for a contract with a top madam. Week by week they’re set various challenges including sustaining an erection in the presence of Vanessa Feltz and looking their mums in the eye without crying.
In the final week six remaining finalists are unleashed on the Tory party conference (the money they made is financing the next three seasons of Dr Who.
The show is fronted by Jeremy Kyle in a pimp’s outfit. The judging panel is made up of Jamie Theakston, Angus Deayton and Snoop Dogg.
Spooks: HR Squad
A look into the tense, dangerous world of MI5’s Human Resources department. Contract negotiations take place left right and centre, disciplinary letters are sent and efficiency is reviewed quarterly.
Racist Britain?
Are we a Racist country? Are all our institutions irrevocably prejudiced and out of touch? A blacked-up Jeremy Paxman goes to Brixton to find out.
Olympic Celebration
A sixteen hour celebration of our Olympic team’s ridiculously successful games. Team GB are paraded around the M.E.N arena for six hours to commentary from Sue Barker before Boris Johnson and Gordon Brown take part in a Greco-Roman Wrestling match to decide who gets to take credit. Other highlights include a skit were Christine Ohuruogu plays the bagpipes and Gabby Logan personally fellating the men’s cycling team.
