NOTstradumus’s 09/10 Premiership Predictions

With the nail-biting drama that was the Community Sheild still fresh in our minds, a nation of sports (Well... Football) fans prepare, with hearts as light as an Oligarch’s chequebook, to abandon the callow charms of Jensen Button and Andy Murray, stop pretending to know anything about cricket and nestle once again in the warm comforting bosom of the Premiership. Ahhh, bosomy goodness.

And as we hurtle headlong into the 2009/10 season, Britain’s premier football psychic, Notstradamus highlights a few of the coming season’s top stories.


Beware: Spoiler Alert!


Hughes takes the Piss

Mark Hughes buys right-handed pitcher LaTroy Hawkins from the New York Yankees... Just to prove he can!

Bolt-who?

During the height of Champion’s League group stages Bolton win two games by default after first Liverpool, then Arsenal completely forget they exist and fail to turn up for their fixtures.

Steven Gerrard is quoted as saying, ‘Oh yeah, Bolton! How are they?’

Intrigue at Burnley Village FC

Chris Eagles causes a stir amongst the residents of Burnley village when, via a series of amusing misunderstandings, he accidentally agrees to go to the Parish dance with both of the Vicar’s twin daughters.

A full-blown kerfuffle is narrowly avoided when Jay Rodriguez agrees to squire one of the twins to the dance with Chris.

Everyone has tea and Eccles cakes to celebrate...


Nani Actually Achieves Something Impressive

After all the PFA votes have been counted it is unanimously agreed that Nani has indeed assumed Ronaldo’s mantle as biggest twat in the premiership.

Stoke drop the Pretence

Stoke stop even pretending to play football as we know it and simply play a 10 -1 formation with Stephen Merchant from ‘extras’ at Centre Forward. Job Done!

Poor Rafa

Around January, in a none-to-subtle display of belligerence, Rafael Benitez takes to wearing rags at matches and asking journalists for ‘the price of a cup of tea’ at press conferences.

Rooney No More

United’s season is tinged with hilarious tragedy when, during a team building trip to a chocolate factory, Wayne Rooney somehow gets turned into giant blueberry and Dimitar Berbatov is hurled into an incinerator by nut-cracking squirrels.

More Intrigue at Burnley Village FC

Youth team prospect Oliver Devenney learns a valuable life lesson when he is caught stealing toffee from the local corner shop. Owen Coyle makes him do a paper round all week for free to make up for it.

Everyone has tea and Eccles cakes to celebrate...

Portsmouth finally just Say ‘Fuck it!’

Around March time Portsmouth Football Club simply give up. Fratton Park becomes a Vue cinema and everyone’s much, much happier.

Allerdull

Sam Allerdyce’s Blackburn narrowly avoid relegation with 38 points, despite a season-long undefeated run.

Even more Intrigue at Burnley Village FC

On a day off spent walking in the countryside Robbie Blake, Steven Caldwell and Michael Duff get into a series of mildly amusing situations that somehow culminate with them careering down a hill in an out of control tin bath... This happens several times over the course of the season.

Everyone has tea and Eccles cakes to celebrate... And Burnley are relegated with a goal difference of -700.

Brown goes proper Mental

After a disappointing first half at home to Tottenham Phil Brown not only keeps his side on the pitch for their half time team-talk but makes them drop their shorts and line up in descending order of penis girth.

It has a negative effect on team morale.

Dear Jack...

World’s hardest man, Jack Bauer, solves your workplace dilemmas... Events occur in real time.

Dear Jack,

I work in credit control at a large company. At after work drinks with the rest of my department, I made an off colour remark about one of the managers who routinely takes ninety minute lunch-breaks. The comment was not meant to be hurtful, everyone laughed and I promptly forgot about it until the next week when the manager in question began making remarks to me when he returned from lunch. He now does this every day.

Usually he taps his watch and says something like ‘Dead on time Janet, make a note,’ or ‘Five minutes over, Janet, please forgive me.’

Please help me Jack, this unprofessional behaviour is making me feel victimised and undermining me in front of the rest of the team,

Julie, Hayward’s Heath.

Dear Julie,

You’re right. This is unacceptable.

I think it’s pretty clear that your department’s been compromised. You need to remedy the situation quickly before he harms the operational readiness of credit control or even the whole accounts department.

Say something else defamatory about your manager and then monitor the traffic from the workstations of your main suspects. Once you have the mole, lure them to a secure location and interrogate them until you know exactly how high up this thing goes.

Also, your manager seems to be unable to fulfil his duties as head of such an important department. You may have to circumvent his authority and ‘go dark’ for the good of your creditors.

Remember, trust no one. The situation is probably much, much more complicated than it seems.

***End of Communication***

How to make a Fuckload of Money out of Music (It's a lot easier than you think)

Viva la Vida... Loca?

So, another Comic relief has come and gone. Of course it was awful*, but that’s another post for another time, what I want to talk about is one of the silently unacknowledged purposes of Comic Relief that few people know about.

As we all know, Comic relief exists for three reasons.

1. For Lenny Henry to give African children hope by proving to them that it is possible to be black and overweight

2. To remove any remaining gravitas from newsreaders by making them sing 70s hits – this is part of a secret government initiative to soften the blow when they inevitably have to break the news of the global nuclear holocaust**

3. To raise money... What? There’s no joke here. Comic relief raises a fuck of a lot of money. What kind of a monster do you think I am?... Pricks

What you might not know however, is that Comic relief also serves as a handy barometer of the recording artists set to make a shitload of money through in the coming year through their songs being used in adverts and corporate films.

The standard logic amongst the advertising & TV industry is that if it works over dying Africans, it’ll work over anything. That’s why whatever you hear on the comic relief soundtrack of misery is almost guaranteed to show up over training videos and Hollyoaks montages for the next few years.

Basically, you can bet your bottom dollar that several despicable little shits 'in advertising' were sat there on Friday taking notes.

Sceptical? Well, just think of the Comic Relief big hitters, Keane, Coldplay, U2, Sigur Ros, Snow Patrol, Leona Lewis, (slow) Greenday. All of these bands make much, if not most of their money from usage of their songs by big brands.*** A Coincidence? I think not.

If you’re in a band, the chances are you’re thinking about how you can get on this list. Don’t worry, from what I can gather it’s not hard, you just have to obey a few simple rules. Rules that I have of course helpfully outlined...

The No One Really likes Jazz Guide to making an Ass-Load of Money from Corporate Usage Royalties...

1. Instruments

There are only a few acceptable lead instruments for a song if it’s going to be adopted by Proctor & Gamble or BP. They are, piano (Leona Lewis/Coldplay), wishy-washy guitars (Snow Patrol/U2), or a combination of the two (Sigur Ros). Combine that with a shitload of strings and you should be sound as a pound.

Remember, keep the chords inspirational, but with a hint of sadness - that’s the sort of thing that can really make a corporate training day ‘pop’.

2. Lyrics

The main rule is stay away from anything specific, if the song’s clearly about something then you completely limit ‘brand utility’**** which is of course the last thing that any serious artist wants to do. Much better to stick to vaguely uplifting (yet sad, remember) statements like, ‘Hold on,’ ‘I’ll be there,’ or ‘You elevate my soul, baaaybaay.’*****

Sigur Ros have mastered this with the genius idea of singing all their songs in a made up language. Unfortunately, that trick probably won’t work twice.

You also need to remember not to look too desperate, don’t seem like you’re begging these companies to use your track. U2 fell into this trap on their last album with the little know song, ‘I love you more than facilitating client-facing best practice.’******

3. Big Finish

You need at least 45 instrumental seconds at the end over which a voice-over artist can flog whatever the company’s trying to sell. This bit needs to be big but not so big that you can’t concentrate on the pitch. If all else fails you can just turn everything up a bit.

If you’re not sure whether your big finish works, just try saying some generic phrases over the top. Stuff like this.

• ‘We’ve been working tirelessly for more than fifty years to bring you advanced...’
• ‘Just 5 pounds a month can buy mosquito nets for...’
• ‘Our globally tested networking systems help your business to...’

If these work, you’re onto a winner.

It’s okay, you don’t have to thank me.

*Charity is no excuse for dumping material too piss-weak to make it into your already ropey TV show – Walliams, I’m talking to you.
**The other part involves getting Jeremy from ‘airport’ (the plan was written around the turn of the century) to demonstrate the procedure for euthanizing your radiation-sick relatives in a comedy cabin crew style... So that’s something to look forward too.
***From the five minutes I watched this week it appears Adele, Kings of Leon and Elbow have joined their ranks – if the bastards end up ruining ‘Home Town’ for me I’ll be really angry.
****This is a marketing phrase, if you don’t know what it means for God’s sake don’t look it up. Anyone who knows the meaning of this phrase is immediately condemned to hell. It’s too late for me, but a few of you could still be saved.
*****Liberal use of ‘Baby’ is a necessary evil. Otherwise, with this sort of music, people might think you’re talking about God as opposed to nothing. God doesn’t sell, remember that