EVER WISH THAT LIFE WAS LIKE A FILM?

FACT OF THE WEEK: The popular phrases “It’s just like anything else” and “Its all relative” are really codewords for ‘I have no idea what I’m talking about and would love to bail out of this conversation but I feel I’m committed now’

HAIKU REVIEW: This week, ‘Be Kind Rewind’

Jack Black wipes tapes

Mos Def? Too few syllables

Very, very good

MAIN EVENT:

About a year ago in yet another example of me ‘living the dream’ in London I was working as a barman in a semi-fancy Balham bar. One night an ex-girlfriend who I, to say the least, had not left things well with walked in with her new boyfriend. Suffice to say the experience was awkward for all concerned.

Don’t worry I haven’t turned into Lucy Mangan you can keep reading. I’m telling you about this simply to illustrate a point. Okay here comes the point then, are you ready? When the young lady walked in the door the mortifying experience was made eminently more bearable by the fact that it gave me an excuse to use the quote “Of all the gin joints in all the world…” from Casablanca, in a real life situation!

Using film quotes in everyday contexts is a lifelong hobby of mine, one that I seriously suggest you all try. It’s ridiculously fun, much more fun than it should be, the other day I was in Soho and my friend wanted to try to find a fish and chip shop, which finally gave me an excuse to use the line “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.” I was so excited, I felt like jumping up and down and guffawing like a toddler at a magic show. When you finally pull one off you’ve been waiting for forever it’s great feeling.

So now you get the idea. However, before you go out into the wide world of real life film quoting let me be clear, there are some ground rules. Well only one actually, but it’s a biggy. The quote has to be in context. Any old twat-bag can shoehorn in a quote where it doesn’t belong but this violates the spirit of the game and makes you look like a nob. Ones I hear all the time include “We can’t stop here, this is bat country” (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) when you’re in a slightly dodgy bit of town and “We’re not in Kansas any more Toto” (Wizard of Oz) when you’re lost. Just shut up! You’re not funny, you’re lazy charlatans who probably haven’t even seen the films you’re quoting. I bet you’ve just seen David Walliams talk about them on some hundred greatest bollocks and think you’ll look like some kind of cool postmodern cultural commentator if you shoot your mouth of about them in public. You won’t, you’ll look like a dick… And take off those big red charity shop sunglasses you’re nearly thirty.

You see the experience is so much more fun if you wait until for instance you’re actually travelling out of Kansas with a guy named Toto. Admittedly it probably will never happen, but that just it makes it so much better if it somehow does. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get to actually have to say “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle” (Terminator) to someone.

Quotes obviously vary in difficulty ranging from easy one’s like “Show me the money” (Jerry Maguire) which I actually used this morning when invoicing someone; to difficult (but achievable) ones like “I love the smell of Napalm in the Morning” (Apocalypse Now); to the absolutely bloody impossible ones like “These are not the droids you’re looking for” or actually anything from Star Wars.

By this point in the proceedings you’re probably thinking I’m a massive nerd who as finally toppled off the edge of reality and you’d probably be right though I know that quite a few of you are simultaneously trying to think up quotes you could use yourself. If you are, then let me help you out. Consider the below a starter pack.

“Show me the money.” (Jerry Maguire) Easiest one in the world, use it at work today.

“You shall not pass!” (The Fellowship of the Ring) Good one for teachers in inner-city schools.

“It’s okay, we can walk to the curb from here.” (Annie Hall) Excellent quip when dealing with a bad parker.

“I see dead people.” (The Sixth Sense) One for your next open coffin funeral.

“Get away from her you bitch” (One of the Alien films) For when you accidentally take your girlfriend to a lesbian bar.

“How do you like them apples?” (Good Will Hunting) Worth a trip to Sainsburys on its own.

“I wish I knew how to quit you.” (Broke Back Mountain) For when you’re not used to using a Mac and you get stuck in Photoshop.