NOTstradumus’s 09/10 Premiership Predictions

With the nail-biting drama that was the Community Sheild still fresh in our minds, a nation of sports (Well... Football) fans prepare, with hearts as light as an Oligarch’s chequebook, to abandon the callow charms of Jensen Button and Andy Murray, stop pretending to know anything about cricket and nestle once again in the warm comforting bosom of the Premiership. Ahhh, bosomy goodness.

And as we hurtle headlong into the 2009/10 season, Britain’s premier football psychic, Notstradamus highlights a few of the coming season’s top stories.


Beware: Spoiler Alert!


Hughes takes the Piss

Mark Hughes buys right-handed pitcher LaTroy Hawkins from the New York Yankees... Just to prove he can!

Bolt-who?

During the height of Champion’s League group stages Bolton win two games by default after first Liverpool, then Arsenal completely forget they exist and fail to turn up for their fixtures.

Steven Gerrard is quoted as saying, ‘Oh yeah, Bolton! How are they?’

Intrigue at Burnley Village FC

Chris Eagles causes a stir amongst the residents of Burnley village when, via a series of amusing misunderstandings, he accidentally agrees to go to the Parish dance with both of the Vicar’s twin daughters.

A full-blown kerfuffle is narrowly avoided when Jay Rodriguez agrees to squire one of the twins to the dance with Chris.

Everyone has tea and Eccles cakes to celebrate...


Nani Actually Achieves Something Impressive

After all the PFA votes have been counted it is unanimously agreed that Nani has indeed assumed Ronaldo’s mantle as biggest twat in the premiership.

Stoke drop the Pretence

Stoke stop even pretending to play football as we know it and simply play a 10 -1 formation with Stephen Merchant from ‘extras’ at Centre Forward. Job Done!

Poor Rafa

Around January, in a none-to-subtle display of belligerence, Rafael Benitez takes to wearing rags at matches and asking journalists for ‘the price of a cup of tea’ at press conferences.

Rooney No More

United’s season is tinged with hilarious tragedy when, during a team building trip to a chocolate factory, Wayne Rooney somehow gets turned into giant blueberry and Dimitar Berbatov is hurled into an incinerator by nut-cracking squirrels.

More Intrigue at Burnley Village FC

Youth team prospect Oliver Devenney learns a valuable life lesson when he is caught stealing toffee from the local corner shop. Owen Coyle makes him do a paper round all week for free to make up for it.

Everyone has tea and Eccles cakes to celebrate...

Portsmouth finally just Say ‘Fuck it!’

Around March time Portsmouth Football Club simply give up. Fratton Park becomes a Vue cinema and everyone’s much, much happier.

Allerdull

Sam Allerdyce’s Blackburn narrowly avoid relegation with 38 points, despite a season-long undefeated run.

Even more Intrigue at Burnley Village FC

On a day off spent walking in the countryside Robbie Blake, Steven Caldwell and Michael Duff get into a series of mildly amusing situations that somehow culminate with them careering down a hill in an out of control tin bath... This happens several times over the course of the season.

Everyone has tea and Eccles cakes to celebrate... And Burnley are relegated with a goal difference of -700.

Brown goes proper Mental

After a disappointing first half at home to Tottenham Phil Brown not only keeps his side on the pitch for their half time team-talk but makes them drop their shorts and line up in descending order of penis girth.

It has a negative effect on team morale.