THE NO ONE REALLY LIKES JAZZ TWAT AWARDS 2007

GO SEE THIS: If David Cameron did this I’d vote conservative Till the cows come home. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8


That’s right its time for the inaugural No One Really Likes Jazz, Twat Awards coming at you from my dining room and hosted by yours truly Matt Thomas – for red carpet enthusiasts I’m wearing a towel dressing gown with food-stain piping by Marks and Spencers.

It really has been a great year for twats. From Lohan to Cruise, from The Borrell’s to the Geldof’s our celebrity superiors have not disappointed, delighting us with their self righteous diatribes and cocksure paddies, the best of which are honoured below.

BEST NEWCOMER

The younger Geldofs are coming on nicely in Peaches’ wake and Lilly Allen’s brother, Alfie -an actor you know- is sure to be a solid performer in 2008 but this year it had to be Emily from Big Brother. She’d probably have made it for her “There’s this new music called indie” comment alone, but after failing to recognise that there’s literally no situation in which a skinny blonde from the home counties can say the immortal n-word (though if you’re a Jewish comedian it’s all good) she was a shoe-in. Mad props to Big Brother for kicking her out in he socks, though unfortunately she seems to have returned to her natural habitat – a Hertfordshire cafe most likely – instead of delighting us further. She’s a twat of the highest order, even though we all still would.

BIGGEST INTERNATIONAL (US) TWAT

I don’t really know where to start, there’s a case to be made for every single LA resident but I think I’m going to go with the first lady herself. That’s right, Paris -too fabulous for prison- Hilton. In a way you have to admire the gigantic balls of a woman who can get out of prison by pleading that she’s about to have a nervous breakdown and throw a garden party in the same day or attempt to appear in court via phone because she didn’t feel like driving across town. But in another way you really don’t. Apparently she bought the entire prison McDonalds to avoid becoming someone’s bitch, I wonder if it worked. If it didn’t there’s probably a tape knocking about somewhere.

BIGGEST POLITICAL TWAT

This one’s split between cuddly fascist Boris Johnson and the British public for buying his whole amiable fop shtick. The Brits have a longstanding thing for bumbling toffs and that’s all well and good when they’re in a hilarious wedding film, but should we really give them nuclear launch codes, or worse still control of the tube.

THE BORRELL AWARD FOR MUSICAL TWATTERY

He’s had it sewn up for a few years now and this year was no exception. Pete Docherty. For one count of releasing a terrible album, several counts of being allowed to sleep with Kate Moss but being too fucked to remember and most of all one count of releasing a coffee table book of your demented, miss-spelled, Adrian Mole on crack scribings and then going on the Jonathan Ross show talking about how sad he is that everyone knows his secrets.

THE FRANK LAMPARD CUP: FOR OUTSTANDING TWATTISHNESS IN SPORTS

The FA. Guys, he may be a brilliant manager but Fabio Capello speaks NO English at all. You’ve just employed a guy that wouldn’t be able to get a job in Starbucks.



Have I left someone out? Is one of these guys a misunderstood genius? Let me know and I’ll enter you into a prize draw to receive a poke in the eye.

Peace out Playas.