EROTICA 2007: SEX IS FINALLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE… AND THEREFORE RUINED.

FACT OF THE WEEK: There is no such place as Belgium.

GO SEE THIS: If you like being angry and you have a soul check out this link…

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601039&sid=afAnsXuy.zaE&refer=h

It’s an article by a guy called Michael Lewis who proves once and for all that you don’t have to be intelligent to work in finance, just a twat. It made me so angry I punched a hole in space and time. Enjoy.



EROTICA 2007: SEX IS FINALLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE… AND THEREFORE RUINED.


In Peter Shafer’s dark, bleak and therefore acclaimed play, Equus a deranged boy catches his father at a porno cinema. The shame of this occasion causes the young man - in a slight overreaction - to blind a stable full of horses with a hoof-pick. If he’d have bumped into his dad at Erotica 2007 they’d probably just have laughed at the coincidence and gone to the onsite café for coffee and a penis shaped biscuit. Shame.

For those unfamiliar with the trade show for the UK erotic industry, it’s a yearly event at Kensington Olympia that showcases the latest innovations in the art of tickling, rubbing, slapping and generally cajoling ourselves and others into a sweaty, satisfied mess. It works a lot like the usual Olympia trade shows except that, instead of boats or home-wares the auditorium is filled with vibrators, tassels, dick pumps, pussy pumps, body paint, lubricant, masturbation sleeves, dildos, feeldoes (you don’t want to know) and, or course more porn than you could shake a double-ended pink orgasmatron at.

I attended this cathedral of filth (the reasons why are unimportant) assuming that the hall would be filled with the weird old men, slavering Essex boys and creepy couples. Those groups were represented, though surprisingly they were squarely in the minority. Aside from the odd extrovert, or to use the correct term tit, walking around in a studded leather cod-piece or the like, the place could have been a Marks and Spencers, just with a less erotic food section.

After a couple of minutes in the place, you begin to see that even sex has now been successfully co-opted by the corporate hive-mind into a collection of brands, consumer categories and targeted campaigns - it’s not a dildo, it’s a vibrating lifestyle accessory. Before I go all Mark Thomas on you, let me just say that I am not against capitalism, money or even globalisation, except when it interferes with this particular aspect of life. The fact that sex is naughty, shameful and generally not polite dinner conversation is surely part of the fun. To equate it to just another part of our daily brand-synergised market experience, or life as it’s also known, would be to ruin it.

I wandered round for the rest of the afternoon like Mark from ‘Peep Show,’ watching accountants and quantity surveyors browsing for whips, corsets and cages to give their loved ones for Christmas, silently cursing trendy modernity and pining for more dignified days when you weren’t supposed to know what your penis even did till you were 24.
The ‘highlight’ of the afternoon was a lady called Dita Von-Tease who is, I am reliably informed, the most famous burlesque dancer in the world and absolutely not a stripper! - She’s apparently had Marilyn Manson, which must be a macabre experience to say the least. Whilst she is very attractive in an 1950’s East German Olympian sort of way, for all the hype surrounding her you’d have thought she had three boobs or something. She doesn’t. You heard it here first.

All in all, an underwhelming experience. Though on the plus side, the gimp suit I bought fits really well.

Peace Out Playas.



PS: Since this is the only sex article I ever intend to write I wanted to fit in a mewling Carrie Bradshawism but couldn’t find anywhere. So here goes… As I watched a middle-aged man being flogged by a teenage girl I though about modern life; are we really-

No, sorry can’t do it. Too naff. See you next time.