SUICIDE BOMBING… I THINK I SPOT A FLAW IN THE LOGIC.

FACT OF THE WEEK: The real reason that actors are boycotting the Golden Globes is that they’re shit scared of having to write their own speeches.

WATCH THIS: A few of you will have seen this, but if you haven’t you’re in for a treat. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I_tDNKYOwSI

HAIKU REVIEW: New feature in which I abuse the ancient Japanese art of Haiku by using it as a vehicle to review a film or song etc. This week, the new Will Smith film ‘I Am Legend.’

Fresh Prince All Alone

Zombies About, Careful Mate

Well Pointless Excursion!

I think that tells you all you need to know.

MAIN EVENT

Am I talking about the ideological contradiction of harming God’s own creations in his name or the fact that blowing yourself up erodes any sympathy others may have had for your cause? Not really. What puzzles me is the 72 virgins thing.

Theoretically speaking if I was to blow myself up in Lidl - something which from time to time I do consider - destroying several hundred pence worth of the great Satan’s frozen produce then, according to some interpretations of the Koran, I would be rewarded with 10.3 water-polo teams’ worth of inexperienced but nubile young ladies.

Sounds good. Or does it? To be honest, I don’t think these kids in training camps have properly thought it through.

Firstly. With the best will in the world, sex with virgins is unlikely to be that great at first. Particularly considering that a lot of bombers are impressionable teenagers, who won’t exactly be great lovers themselves, you’re probably in for at least a month of figuring it out. After that you’ve got to train all these women up, that could take anything up to five years as it would have to be one-on-one tuition - these girls are demure goddesses that would be far to embarrassed by any attempt at some kind of group seminar.

When you finally do have your 72 trained ladies, the question of what else is there to do rears its ugly head. You can’t shag all the time. What is there to do in heaven when not fornicating with your herd of women? Is there a bowling alley or something nearby? If so how will I get there? Do I have a bus? Come to think of it where do we live? Are we all in a big house like in ‘The Batchelor’ or in some kind of garden of Eden type scenario? Can I visit the other martyrs and their harems and finally have a barbeque party like the ones you see in hip-hop videos? These are the kind of logistical questions that would worry me and probably result in me getting kicked out of my terrorist cell.

Also, isn’t this all a bit sexist? What about the female suicide bombers? Correct me if I’m wrong ladies, but 72 male virgins is probably an even less appealing prospect. Hanadi Jaradat, who bombed the maxim restaurant in Haifa three years ago is probably up there now with six dozen Games Workshop assistants. Doesn’t sound much fun to me, unless you can’t remember the exact phrasing of a Monty Python quote in which case they’d be really useful.

Well I’ve trivialised this issue enough. I’m off.

PS: Before any of you smart-arses point this out. I’m aware that the traditional Aramaic translation of the Koran actually promises martyrs 72 white grapes. But that’s not as funny.