HEATHER MILLS IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL

FACT OF THE WEEK

God doesn’t allow anyone who has ever described themselves as zainy, cooky or mad into heaven.

HINT OF THE WEEK

If you do go to heaven, and Jesus asks you to lend him a fiver don’t do it. It’s a trick, he hates that kind of thing.


MAIN EVENT

Ms Mills, the mono-legged plant botherer has been in for some stick recently from the evil press, BOO!! And the evil public, HISS!! Well I refuse to join the chorus of naysayers; I’ll hear no jokes about how she doesn’t have a leg to stand on in her divorce case or how she goes lopsided when it rains, and certainly no implications that her alleged claims to have “not heard of the Beatles” before she met Sir Paul were anything less than the whole truth.

Heather Mills is nothing short of a national treasure. She's a personal hero of mine and she should be one of yours. For the following reasons.

Ambition: Paul McCartney may well be the violent, abusive, drug addict she makes out - we obviously have no way of knowing for sure because of the skewed reporting that evil, evil press. Though the fact remains that everyone on the planet is required by law to own at least one Beatles album and the mythology of the band has seeped so far into the collective unconscious that now all newborn children instinctively know the words to Hey Jude. You’d think that’d put somebody off attacking a member of said band in the very, very evil press.

Not Heather. Despite the fact that as well as being a knight of the realm Sir Paul would only have to ask politely to be allowed to fondle the royal breasts, the former Mrs McCartney keeps plugging away in the hope that one day we’ll all decide we like her more than our national favourite Uncle. What a trooper.

Courage: Despite being hounded day and night by the wild eyed attack dogs of the nefarious, dastardly press Heather carries on regardless. She goes on talk show after talk show begging the monstrous, bastard press to leave her alone, but it only seems to make matters worse!

Ordinary people like you and me might make the point that she could simply keep quiet. But we can’t possibly understand what it’s like, we can leave our front door without swarms of crack addled, machete wielding photographers descending, we can have a discreet meal in a well known celebrity hang out without it making the papers. That simply isn’t an option for Heather, the dog strangling, kitten eviscerating press simply go mad for charity activists, they always have - if she only ever talked about landmines or vegetarianism it would be just as bad. All she can do is struggle on, and at least once a day, inform us all of exactly how much she is struggling on.

Sense of Humour: Am I the only one who fails to see the comedy genius of turning up to a photo shoot against global warming (which is caused by the press) in a 4x4. The woman is a modern day Andy Kaufman.

Peace Out.