Welcome to No One Really Likes Jazz. So named because after the first five or so million things I wanted to call it weren’t available, I went a bit angry and decided to indulge my petty prejudices.
Anyway here’s the first instalment of what promises to be a bilious, gutter minded and profoundly pointless endeavour. I hope you enjoy it…
FACT OF THE WEEK:
Once you’ve realised that Sugar Puffs look exactly like tiny vaginas, they're ruined forever.
Gleaning your information about exactly why we’re all completely screwed from one news source as opposed to another doesn’t make you less of a cock than anyone else, it simply makes you a different kind of cock.
Before you switch back to Facebook in a huff, bear the following two provisos in mind. Firstly, I include myself in this. Secondly, shut up. Here’s why....
The Guardian: I could just about handle this one, if not for the fact that a paragraph into any article a powerful urge to go mneh, mneh, mneh at the by-line photograph takes hold of me, which tends to me get me thrown off the train.
The Sun: Sun readers, or Rupert Murdoch’s goblin army as they are also known, are simply put, morons. Not necessarily bad people, but morons nonetheless.
Is it actually true that Owen Hargreaves went from being the worst player ever to put on an
The Times: In the grand scheme of things, newspapers don’t actually make that much money. The point of owning one is simply to push your personal politics on whichever unfortunate country it’s printed in. Rupert Murdoch owns the Times ergo; the Times is essentially the Sun with longer words.
Any Times reader who’s ever sneered at the tabloid press should burn their hand on their own Aga as penance.
The Independent: For semi-literate lefties who like instructions on what to think spelled out for them with bright colours and charts. This week its climate change, next week electoral reform, woo. I want to buy it everyday just so I can not recycle it on purpose.
Oh, and put that free language CD down, you’re never going to learn Japanese!
The Telegraph: Once the population understand three basic facts this paper should be obsolete. 1. There isn’t an empire anymore and it’s a good thing. 2. Cricket is rubbish. 3. Top hats will never, ever come back into fashion.
On Line: I actually heard one utter copper-bottomed tit say this the other week, ‘I only read the blogs these days, it’s the only way to get to the true story’ (Twat, 2007). Yes, because a lone weirdo (I’m aware of the irony) with a laptop probably is better informed than international news organisations with correspondents across the face of the globe. Twat.
The Big Issue: Did you really want to read that KD Lang interview?
The Daily Express: Guys, she's dead, and to be honest, she was a bit of a pain in the arse when she wasn't. The only thing there should be an inquest into is why you’re such tossers.
The Daily Mail: Jesus, I don’t know where to start. Even I don’t hate humanity this much...
Readers of this strange little publication seem to want to turn Britain into some kind of theme park called ‘Traditional Values World.’ Based presumably on how it was in the ‘old days’, when everything was measured in furlongs and guineas, littering was a hanging offence and one had even heard of Poland. Sounds brilliant, book your tickets now! Unless you’re of anything other than English extraction, live in a city or have ever enjoyed a TV programme made later than 1974.
For the record. During this golden age a thoroughly bad egg named Adolf was leading a certain far right party called the Nazis on a rather bloodthirsty European tour, which incidentally, the Daily Mail wholeheartedly supported. That’s nice isn’t it, how very English.
Suffice to say, these people are nob-ends of the absolute highest order who deserve to be pelted with Euros by a gang of paedophiles, whilst asylum seekers take bets on who’s going to get knocked unconscious first.
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