Boris Johnson on the US Presidential Election

-Bet she wasn't that luv-ver-ly you spade faced twat!

Now, I think there are many good things about the US: Hollywood, cheeseburgers, guns, executions of the mentally incompetent, this is all good stuff. However, there are some things they get badly wrong. There is, for example, no American born person capable of uttering the following sentence in conversation “I’m sorry I don’t know enough about that, I wouldn’t like to comment.” They also don’t understand irony, real ale or the proper way to pronounce the letter A.

I wasn’t aware of this until recently but another one of those areas of incompetence is apparently politics. That’s why I’m glad that London Mayoral candidate, editor of The Spectator (if you haven’t heard of it you’re probably poor!) and world class political mind, Boris Johnson has agreed to offer us a brief master-class on exactly why.

Take it away Boris....

Boris Johnson on the US Presidential Election

Hello all. Let me first say how honoured I am to be writing on ‘Everyone Likes Jazz.’ I wasn’t sure at first, but then Matthew told me that his father used to play rugby with me at Eton, so naturally I was onboard in a flash. He also told me that this is going to be broadcast over some fancy computer thingy, wasn’t really listening to be honest, can’t abide boffin-talk, but it all sounds jolly clever nonetheless.

Anyway, enough chat. To the point we must go.

When we colonised North America in 19-whatever we brought with us a fully functioning, hierarchical society based on the solid foundations of guilt, shame and resignation to your lot that had worked perfectly well for hundreds of years. This august way of doing things was of course known as the class system. However, regrettably over the years since we left, the Yanks have rather eroded these noble values until all that’s left is a hollow imitation.

As we all know the basic foundation of the class system is that you will die in the class that you’re born. Ergo, no matter how much wealth the working classes somehow acquire, they will never be afforded the status necessary to affect any real change in the status quo. Quite sensible, I think you’ll agree. Can you imagine the alternative – Alan Sugar, Jordan and Ray Winstone would probably have turned Westminster Abbey into a snooker hall by now.

No, it’s far better that the serious decisions, be it in business or politics, are made by the ruling classes. After all, how are you supposed to vote for a chap or invest in his company if you’ve never even heard of his school?

The Americans however, have seriously misunderstood. They seem to be determined to choose their leaders based on so called achievements! The upshot being that now any old Tom, Dick or Harry who’s led a life of public service and happens to have made enough sound investments to acquire a rather vulgar fortune of new money is capable of being elected bloody president!

This year the Republicans have actually nominated a man who not only didn’t go to an Ivy League university – that’s the equivalent of not going to Oxford! Or even Cambridge! – but was actually in the Navy! How uncouth!

Don’t even get me started on the pair of toerags the Democrats are thinking about nominating. Thank goodness the British are capable of seeing past the issues. They know an all round good egg when they see one don’t they.

Vote Boris for Mayor!