Have you ever noticed how when a couple starts having an argument in public everyone else gets much quieter? It’s as if there’s only so much noise in the world and these two are hogging it. What it really is of course is people keeping their own conversations to a minimal volume so that they can hear the particulars of the argument, without appearing overly interested. If society allowed us to get away with it we’d pull up a chair and gawp like our lives depended on it - unpalatable as it may be to admit, there’s nothing British people like more than someone else’s domestic.*
Most people generally try to keep public fallings out to a minimum, preferring to wait until they’re in the privacy of their own home where they know which doors make the most satisfying slam and they won’t be called upon to make the shrugged shoulders “I dunno mate” gesture to a complete stranger when their girl/boyfriend flounces off on some trumped up pretext. However, every now and then somebody looks at somebody they shouldn’t, or leaves somebody somewhere to go and talk bollocks with their idiot friends, or doesn’t take someone’s side even though their clearly wrong and it all kicks off. That’s the cue for the rest of us to subtly turn off our MP3 players and switch from reading magazines to pretending to read magazines.
If you can overhear the conversation but can’t be heard yourself that’s perfect – it gives you occasion to trot out all kinds of hackneyed bon mots. In fact, it’s actually the law in England that if a group of more than three people witness one of these arguments, at least one person has to say “trouble in paradise” whilst looking smug. If a woman’s present she - under penalty of prosecution - is required to say “He won’t be getting any tonight**,” whilst nodding suggestively.
It’s marginally less fun if you know the people - the argument’s still entertaining but you’re expected to participate in the clean-up operation. If you’re a woman this involves listening to your friend cry and blather on about how in love they are and how much of a ‘passionate relationship’ it is whilst you fight the urge to inform her that she’s dating a nutter and is behaving like one herself. If you’re a man it involves going for a beer and talking about sports to ‘cool off’ – being a man is so great!
Well that’s about all I have to say about the entertainment factor of other people’s emotional turmoil. If this has put you in the mood for witnessing a live barney then may I recommend the bus stops at Trafalgar square around 3 in the morning – there’s something about the thought of a 90 minute bus ride to Croydon or Kingston that just brings it out of people.
* Unless we’re asked to weigh in and give our opinion, then it’s all “I don’t want to get involved mate. None of my business.”
**Women as a gender have failed to realise that the average man spent the better part of his teens trying and failing to get women to have sex with him. Therefore many of them somehow think that withholding sex is a viable way to punish us. This is like giving an Abu Ghraib survivor a Chinese burn – ladies, unless you’re really willing to keep it up for 16 years, we can take it.
3 comments:
Lovely stuff Matthew. Spot on. I can almost imagine you reeling this off on stage in a stand up kind of way.
Keep it up.
I personally fall into the category of ‘most people’, in that I have a moral aversion to arguing in public. The very thought of an Eastenders-syle public airing of dirty laundry induces a headache. For me there is no justifiable reason for losing one’s cool in public, however valid one’s argument may be. Restraint is one of the fundamentals that separate us from other mammals, and should be exercised accordingly. I agree with your notion that a public argument monopolises the finite amount of noise available, and in just as strange a way, upsets the social equilibrium completely. In any non raucous social situation (restaurant, beer garden etc) the subsequent shocked silence and pious whispering that follows a public slanging match usually reverberates for quite a time, and normal service is not generally restored until the protagonists remove themselves, or are removed depending on the argument’s severity. To disturb and more than likely piss everyone else in the vicinity, for me is downright selfishness on the part of the moron who couldn’t hold his tongue until he got out into the car park.
Of course, I am describing the effects of a public row in a quiet, middle class setting. As we all know, Chavs have their very own set of rules and morals for this sort of thing. It is for instance, under Chav law, acceptable to swear crudely at the lady who taken your parking space in her Vauxhall Cavalier at ASDA, and perfectly legitimate to square up to the bloke with the bull terrier who skipped to front of the queue at the Odeon.
The real difficulty when the two aforementioned demographics come into contact. That is when an argument becomes what we like to call a fight…….
Pete G
Cheers for the feedback all...
Keep reading an I'll keep writing.
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