Unofficial Cross-Weight Boxing Match: NORLJ EXCLUSIVE!!

As great as No One Really likes jazz is, the money it generates is not quite enough to maintain my playboy lifestyle and pay child-support for my army of illegitimate children. Therefore I have to supplement my income with actual writing work. The bulk of this ‘work’ is sports related. This is great because it gives me a cast-iron excuse to waste my life in front of, say Ipswich vs Wolves, and no one can say a thing because ‘I’m working actually!’

If I wrote sports content for a national newspaper I’d get millions of perks like match tickets and proper interviews however, because I write for websites and teeny-tiny magazines I do all my writing based on TV coverage and barely ever get to go to live sporting events. So imagine my delight when on my way home from the pub last Monday I was treated to a live boxing match between two amateur fighters.

I was so impressed by this impromptu sporting display that I’ve decided to write it up, just like I would for sport.co.uk or gambling.com.

Here goes...

Bouncer vs Skinny Hacket-Top Guy: Unofficial Cross-Weight Unification Match

Result: Bouncer by a (probable) knockout

History’s great fights: Foreman vs Ali, Eubank vs Ben, McGuigan vs Pedroza have all been battles between fighters of conflicting styles. This is what made the bout between Hacket-Top Guy: with the clear height and reach advantage and Bouncer: at least five weight classes above his opponent, such a mouth-watering prospect. The build up to this fight was brief, though there was clearly no love lost between the pair, especially after the bouncer hauled Hacket-Top’s trainer and promoter, Pinstriped Shirt Guy, out of a nightclub and onto the pavement moments before the fight commenced.

Round One: Hacket-Top’s unconventional style comes into play early on as he takes the unusual step of approaching the bouncer shouting obscenities with his arms outstretched. This cavalier rejection of standard form reminds you of the early days of Prince Naseem - perhaps that thought had occurred to the bouncer who cautiously didn’t take the bait, merely crossing his arms and nodding. He saw an opportunity towards the end of the round and got a shove in but other than that, nothing. A tactical chess-match of a bout appeared to be shaping up.

Round Two: During Hacket-Top’s stern pre-round talking to from Pinstriped Shirt Guy I was close enough to hear the training code ‘leave it’. Of course only they know what that phrase means exactly but it must have had something to do with insulting the bouncer because Hacket-Top launched into the second round with a Mohammed Ali style tirade, though rather than ‘You Ugly, Foreman!’ it was more ‘Come on then, you fat c**t!’ The tactic really worked, the bouncer got so worked up that he grabbed Hacket-Top by the neck prompting the round to be abandoned as support staff and trainers poured in to separate the pair. As he was being dragged away Hacket-Top shouted ‘You’re lucky!’ sense of humour being another similarity with Ali.

Round Three: Hacket-Top senses blood in the water. As the other bouncers crowd around their guy Hacket-Top stalks his corner like a caged tiger. Pinstriped Shirt Guy is clearly confident too, so much so that he’s fucked off home. With a final yell Hacket Top swings wildly at the doorman, missing completely. In the next instant he’s buried by about 60 stone of door staff. Fight over I think.